What a cunt. (or - Channel 4 I fucking hate you.)

Right,
I'm usually opposed to publishing blog entries that couldn't be read through by ADHD kids, BUT...

I've just finished watching Channel Four's 'Born Survivor: Bear Grylls'.
The programme's bare-faced cynicism and contempt for its audience's intelligence has driven me to cease my search for pictures of cats in hats to pen this post.


Grylls' shtick is similar to that of vain professional freediver and television attention seeker, Tanya Streeter, but with one crucial difference...

...he hates animals.

Throughout the episode he stalks around swamp land (which is probably 100 metres from a road in the Peak district), showing us how to survive if stranded with a full television film unit and announcing, Steve Irwin style, how dangerous his every action is. The Berk.

Grylls demonstrates how to escape from a 'quick-mud' sinkhole- He steps forward and sinks in up to his stomach, obviously doing the 'walking-down-the-stairs-behind-the-counter' trick; He proceeds to drag himself out with a stick (it's the ingenuity that makes it compelling viewing), then 'monkey crawls' across the swamp floor for a good 3 metres more than necessary just to be sure that when he drags himself to his feet he is caked head to foot in mud to emphasise his 'ordeal'. Twat.

Rather than asking the boom operator for some of his packed lunch, Grylls finds a fallen tree, snaps off a rotting branch and shovels a handful of the emerging grubs into his mouth, taking care to make the spectacle as explicit as possible, grimacing and gagging; You can't help thinking of an unpopular schoolchild desperately trying to impress his peers by going through with a dare to lick some dogshit.

The following is a question put to him in the FAQ section of his website which highlights how far he is willing to go to garner ratings:

"Have you ever tasted anything worse than the liquid from the elephant dung that you drank in this series?"

Fuckhead.

Once he has picked the grub-grit from his public schoolboy teeth, he moves on to larger, more spectacular 'shock tv' slaughters- He plucks a tiny treefrog from a twig and waves it at the camera before leaning in and biting it's head off- Then spots a turtle which he chases down, scoops up and tosses lightly in his hands for just long enough to let your mind wonder if he's going to do what you're afraid he's going to do- then he does.

Between takes, Ray mears wannabe Grylls smears blood from his last kill down the front of his shirt and face like a total dickhead.

I can't help thinking that he was bullied at school and is now handling it very badly in later life- I wouldn't have been surprised if he had drop-kicked the poor turtle, or, with nostrils flaring, given that baby alligator a Chinese-burn.

The atrocities continue until Grylls has to cross an 'alligator infested' river which he does with much ceremony and build up, pausing on the other side, out of breath, making it clear what an immense physical feat it was. Yo Bear, the guy that swam alongside you CARRYING THE FUCKING CAMERA ISN'T FUCKING COMPLAINING!

I'll leave you with the parting statement from Grylls' sickeningly self indulgent C4 microsite -

"Oh, and by the way, don't mess with Bear he is a karate black belt."

Waaaannnnkkkkeeeerrrr!

Phew...
ok, next week, cats in hats.