Bert & Ernie

I regret to say that I didn't put this one together...



Best bit = 1:35!

Tonight's TV: Celebrity Ready, Steady, Autopsy!

This Week's Fashion 4

This week Jonathan will be hopping around the boutiques and bars of Brighton wowing the indigenous fashion twerps with his latest look- Inspired by his love of the infidel lifestyle, this atrociously pretentious statement is sure keep the fashion world's imagination captive!

Frank Spencer Terrorism

Our Inner Dictators

In answer to Ali's question of which infamous dictator she resembles:

;-)

And for the record- Worryingly, the Image of Adolf Shipley had NO PHOTOSHOP ALTERATION WHATSOEVER!

This week's fashion 3

Ali was right- that last post was really lame, so I've deleted it.

Instead I bring you a new installment of This Week's Fashion featuring Jonathan-

If you want to have a gas being the hottest thing in the fashion furnace, the latest tip according to 'fashist' Jonathan's trend bible is Race Hate™!

Disclamer: Jonathan is NOT actually a genocidal fascist, nor is he racist in the slightest. But he might be gay.

I'm in Love.

Seriously, this is real. Click the image to enlarge it and read the text-
Then form an orderly queue ladies!

This Weeks Fashion 2

Right, sorry for being so lame at posting recently (I'm sure you are both bitterly disappointed)
I've finally got round to reporting on the latest fashion innovation as imagineered by Jonathan, it's down there on the right.

And again, sorry J ;-)

Guy & Dyson!

Today we rescued 2 amazing Dalmatians from the Dog's Trust in Shoreham!

They're both about 9 years old, Dyson (On the right) is a pure Dalmatian who will hoover up anything, Guy is a Dalmatian/Lab cross and the most grumbly dog I've ever met! Great lads!

This Week's Fashion

The lovely Ali recently mentioned that I need something to replace the 'Egg status' feature I had-
She suggested a series of fashion ideas from Brighton's premiere blogger/fashionista, Jonathan.

Ali, great idea- there's the first on the right-

Sorry Jonathan! ;-)

DiggerLand

Why does THIS make me feel so profoundly depressed?
(Make sure your speakers are on)

Tonight's TV: Chuckle History X

Brave Buffalo Battle!

This is just incredible- And don't worry, the buffalo calf survives!

NEWSFLASH!: Hawking bullied in space!

Egg Update 7: Fowl play

I returned home from work this afternoon to discover a completely empty nest.

No idea what or who did this, but I'm going to find out and they're going to PAY.

























*UPDATE* It wasn't Michi ;-P

Egg Update 6: More Drama!

We have unconfirmed reports from Eleanor that Mum has brushed aside the original egg, leaving it somewhere behind the nest.

Maybe she has used her 'Sixth sense' as the lovely Ali mentioned and deemed it a lost cause.
We really should name the eggs to give these posts more emotive clout-
Answers on a postcard please! And you'll get to see your chosen name/names in nice shiny lettering on the 'Egg Status' section to the right!

Confirmation of the current situation to come ASAP...

Kostnice (Church of Bones), Czech Republic

Prague was rubbish.

I spent a weekend there about a year and a half ago on a company holiday. (I'm lucky enough to have two very astute and humanitarian company directors, who believe that content studio staff work better- so we are treated to yearly company holidays amongst other things- And you know what? It works! Up yours, AMEX et al!)

It is a city that has been defecated on by British stag weekend culture. Hordes of cretins pouring over on easyjet flights have forced beautiful, historic pieces of architecture to house KFCs and lapdancing clubs; every building in Wenceslas square flaunting gaudy neon signs.

Luckily, about an hour's train ride outside the city, there is a church practically made out of human bones.

In the 14th century, the Plague caused the cemetery there to overflow with corpses, eventually around 40,000 too many. The skeletons were stacked in the newly built ossuary in 1511 by a half-blind monk. (Cool and spooky huh?)

A wood carver and artist named Frantisek Rint was employed to turn the bones into sculptures.
When you walk into the ossuary, you are presented with a large set of steps leading down underground, as you descend, above you hang skulls, strung in chains like Christmas decorations.
The main chamber contains 4 colossal 'bells' of stacked bones and skulls- one in each corner. Truly stunning in their magnitude and holocaust-esque eeriness.

I found it a struggle to get my head around just how many real, complex lives they represented.



Looking around, the walls and alcoves are crammed with beautifully grotesque sculptures of huge chalices, coats of arms & crowns; And so, so many hanging chains of skulls. On the coat of arms there was, memorably, the figure of a bird, its wings the bones of a persons palm.

But the most impressive piece there was the Chandelier- Awesome and imposing, it teemed with detail, femurs and humeri dangling from it's vertebrae arms. It contains every bone in the human body.

Wicked.

Batrachomyomachia!

You remember my post about that crazy mouse riding across a pond on some frog's back?
Damien has pointed out that it is a photograph of an actual event!!!

See for yourself!


















Gosh! I didn't notice the crown before!

Froschmäusekrieg!

Egg Update 5: A miracle! A miracle!

I have just been to see if Mum has returned to the nest- No sign of her, and the egg is still lying on the cold bituchem, but wait! What's that? A new egg in the nest!
























Spurred on by fresh hope, I decided to break the rules (and I figured, that as I am a product of nature too, it is completely natural for me to interfere! kiss my arse Attenborough!).

I scooped up the original egg on a piece of paper and placed it back in the nest with it's new sibling. It's unlikely, but maybe we'll be blessed with 2 little bleating beaks in the weeks to come!

Egg Update 4: Abandoned

My blog is in state of mourning because sadly, after a wet and windy night, the egg has been left lying in the middle of the balcony floor, the nest soaking and flattened by the rain & no sign of Mum.

R.I.P. Egg
2007-2007
Just another Cyril

Egg Update 3: Phew!

After about 10 minutes, Mum found her eggling and after sitting on it for a short while, rolled it back into the nest under her chin- Disaster averted!
























Thought I'd just leave you lot hanging on for a bit ;-)

Egg Update 2: Oh No!

We have a rolled-out-of-nest situation!

Mum seems confused- she keeps checking under herself in a panic-
Will she be able to rectify this perilous scenario?

The Packard in its prime

At home yesterday I found this great photograph of my Dad's Packard One-Twenty at a rally in 1966

Restoring the Packard

Since Outrage passed away I've elected to spend more time with my Family, mainly my Dad, as he has taken it very hard (he walked, played with and fed him, every single day for 11 years). So now every Sunday I go home to Burgess Hill and help my Dad restore the Packard.

It's a magnificent luxury car- Made in Detroit, Michigan, early in World War Two, it is now 66 years old. It is full of simplistic, but beautifully engineered wartime technology, like the valve radio which when removed resembles the field radio kits that GIs used to haul around on their backs in the bocage of Normandy.

When you drive it, you sit far above all the other cars- It literally sails along, listing and rolling on it's huge suspension. It's bonnet is as long as a whole Smart car and as my bother Peter says: it has huge crumple zones- The other cars. Looking at the front of the chassis underneath the bodywork, it looks as if it were purpose built as a battering ram.

When you climb inside , you sink into one of the two huge leather sofas- with no divisions, up to 8 people can fit in (Perfect for a picnic). My Dad told me how he used to slide across with his right hand still guiding the steering wheel & give left hand signals out of the passenger's window!



















My Dad has owned the Packard since before I was born; I never before had an interest in learning about it, but now I think a combination of maturity and a driver's license has sparked a bit of a passion for it.
The beauty of these amazing vehicles is that no specialist equipment is required, there is no on-board computer to calibrate, no impossible to reach bolts that were tightened by robot appendages; All you need are a few jacks, an engine crane and a bunch of spanners. Nothing beats spending the day outside, helping and learning from your Dad, getting grubby with paint and grease and smelling that great smell of engine oil.



















Hopefully, this summer I will be able to post a video of its first few revs out on to the road!

Egg update 1: Nest!

I know you're all waiting with bated breath and eggspectation,(sorry, I will get bored eventually) so here's the latest:

Mum pigeon has spent almost all of her time keeping the egg warm- While Dad pigeon has been busy flapping back and forth gathering twigs- So Egg pigeon is no longer lying on the hard floor of the balcony, its now safely in the middle of a full nest! cool.

An Eggcelent idea!

Dan from the DULLEST. BLOG. EVER. has just suggested that I train a 24 hour webcam on the as yet unnamed (Suggestions welcome) sky-rat offspring. This would mean that you eager fanciers of pigeons could sate yourselves in the comfort of your own homes day and night!

Does anyone have a crappy old laptop that I could borrow for 5 weeks? (the little beggar should hatch in just under 4 weeks, then spend 2 weeks in the nest)
I could set it up in the lounge by the balcony window and leave it broadcasting to the interweb.

Can one of you kind yolk(folk) help me poach a pc to capture this eggstraodinary glimpse of nature before it flies oeuf? (oeuf! geddit?)

...and stop me from making all these awful egg refer-hen-ces!

Eggstra! Eggstra! Read all about it!

Much in the same way that the BBC forced people into tuning in every bloody night to Spring Watch, only to mong out at dull nightvision feeds of vacant nesting boxes, I will be regularly reporting on the fool hardy pigeon hen who has just appeared on my balcony with a freshly laid egg.

I shall not interfere in the least; Despite not wanting to scare the mother from its young, she won't let me get near it! It's too dangerous even wearing oven gloves, a baking tray breastplate and a colander on my head.

In weeks to come will we struggle to contain our proud throat-lumps as the plump, freshly feathered sky-rat makes its first majestic glide from the balcony wall? Or will we be sodden with a cold and damp feeling of futility and emptiness as I report of the chick's desperate demise?

Stay Tuned!

When a Mummy dog & a daddy dog love each other very much...

Huh? Why'd they label both testicles in the first panel?!?

Sorry Ali- nothing heartwarming & insightful yet- I'm working on it ;-)

Outrage

A few weeks ago my dog died.

He was an incredibly smart border collie / golden retriever cross named Outrage-
We adopted him from the Dog's Trust in Shoreham in 1996, when he was around 2 years old. (Back then it was called the less catchy 'National Canine Defense Leauge') .

He was found aimlessly wandering the streets of worthing and taken in to the kennels- A few days later, his owner turned up to claim him. When told that she had to pay for the food and shelter he had recieved, instead of coughing up the reasonable sum of around £30, she announced 'THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!' and stormed off, leaving him there. That's why the kennel staff gave him his unusual name.

I think he saw me as more of a Brother than master- We used to playfight and 'rough'n'tumble' when he was young. He never snapped or intentionally hurt anyone; The only time he ever gave me a growl was when I pretended to be a Zombie, shuffled over to him moaning, and ate his guts. Had I not got the hint and stopped, I suspect he would have just sculked off up to his bed on the landing rather than taking any further action.
In fact, he was such a gentle creature that you could persuade him to keep his mouth open to administer tablets by placing the end of your little finger between his back molars- He wouldn't dare bite down for fear of hurting you.

As his brother, I was always honoured with his most enthusiastic greeting when I visited home; He would yelp and jump, insert his tounge in my mouth with the precision of a bunker buster missile, then scramble off in a crazed 'Chase me! Chase me!' sprint around the house and garden, using our the sofas like a circus stuntbiker on the Wall of Death.

He was diagnosed with Cancer of the Lymphatic system about 5 months ago and put on a course of drugs, with the hope of sending the cancer into remission.

He suddenly grew very poorly and it became apparent that the drugs he was being given were not working and he was experiencing increasing discomfort, unwilling to eat. On the Thursday he was scheduled to be put to sleep the following Monday; It's very sad to have such a brief and definite limit of time to spend with such a beloved little soul.

On Friday the whole family spent the evening together for the first time in quite a while. I went back home after work to find him lying chin flat on the floor in his usual place in the hall, still managing to muster up a little tail wag and face lick to greet me, despite being very thin and very weak.

We had a pleasant evening together, despite trying to accept that Outrage would only be with us for two more, and dreading the final and inevitably brief Sunday evening.
The next afternoon he took himself out to his favorite sunny spot in the garden, laid down and died.

While these things are inevitble, I find them no easier to prepare for. Sometimes you don't have the time to prepare that you think you'll have. I thought I would see my dog again on Sunday, but didn't. I must try to remember that from day to day.

I feel grateful to Outrage for all the years he gave us pleasure, and I feel grateful to him for sparing us the drawn out wait and saving my Father from having to sign his death warrant for the vet. And I am relieved that he went quietly and peacefully and by his own accord.

Good boy.

America: Exhibit A

OK, I want to make it clear that I have nothing against Americans, simply the state of their government (principally it's appalling foreign policy)- Here is my first piece of evidence for the case that the United States is a country with fundamental problems:

Just listen to that laugh at the end!

Next week: I slag off Russia too.

Vader being a dick

It's an old one but...

MOUSE RIDES FROG ACROSS POND!

Some choice quotes from last night

Sam on approaching women:
"Know your enemy"

Andrew on approaching women:
"You're basically up against artificial intelligence"

Laura to Sam about Sam:
"You're scaring me"

Sam to Laura:
"You're not as scared as you're going to be"

Sam on childhood cruelty:
"I once soldered a spider's legs to the wall"

Penguin wearing socks

Still no luck finding a fish wearing shoes...

What a cunt. (or - Channel 4 I fucking hate you.)

Right,
I'm usually opposed to publishing blog entries that couldn't be read through by ADHD kids, BUT...

I've just finished watching Channel Four's 'Born Survivor: Bear Grylls'.
The programme's bare-faced cynicism and contempt for its audience's intelligence has driven me to cease my search for pictures of cats in hats to pen this post.


Grylls' shtick is similar to that of vain professional freediver and television attention seeker, Tanya Streeter, but with one crucial difference...

...he hates animals.

Throughout the episode he stalks around swamp land (which is probably 100 metres from a road in the Peak district), showing us how to survive if stranded with a full television film unit and announcing, Steve Irwin style, how dangerous his every action is. The Berk.

Grylls demonstrates how to escape from a 'quick-mud' sinkhole- He steps forward and sinks in up to his stomach, obviously doing the 'walking-down-the-stairs-behind-the-counter' trick; He proceeds to drag himself out with a stick (it's the ingenuity that makes it compelling viewing), then 'monkey crawls' across the swamp floor for a good 3 metres more than necessary just to be sure that when he drags himself to his feet he is caked head to foot in mud to emphasise his 'ordeal'. Twat.

Rather than asking the boom operator for some of his packed lunch, Grylls finds a fallen tree, snaps off a rotting branch and shovels a handful of the emerging grubs into his mouth, taking care to make the spectacle as explicit as possible, grimacing and gagging; You can't help thinking of an unpopular schoolchild desperately trying to impress his peers by going through with a dare to lick some dogshit.

The following is a question put to him in the FAQ section of his website which highlights how far he is willing to go to garner ratings:

"Have you ever tasted anything worse than the liquid from the elephant dung that you drank in this series?"

Fuckhead.

Once he has picked the grub-grit from his public schoolboy teeth, he moves on to larger, more spectacular 'shock tv' slaughters- He plucks a tiny treefrog from a twig and waves it at the camera before leaning in and biting it's head off- Then spots a turtle which he chases down, scoops up and tosses lightly in his hands for just long enough to let your mind wonder if he's going to do what you're afraid he's going to do- then he does.

Between takes, Ray mears wannabe Grylls smears blood from his last kill down the front of his shirt and face like a total dickhead.

I can't help thinking that he was bullied at school and is now handling it very badly in later life- I wouldn't have been surprised if he had drop-kicked the poor turtle, or, with nostrils flaring, given that baby alligator a Chinese-burn.

The atrocities continue until Grylls has to cross an 'alligator infested' river which he does with much ceremony and build up, pausing on the other side, out of breath, making it clear what an immense physical feat it was. Yo Bear, the guy that swam alongside you CARRYING THE FUCKING CAMERA ISN'T FUCKING COMPLAINING!

I'll leave you with the parting statement from Grylls' sickeningly self indulgent C4 microsite -

"Oh, and by the way, don't mess with Bear he is a karate black belt."

Waaaannnnkkkkeeeerrrr!

Phew...
ok, next week, cats in hats.

Lord of the Rings

Impersonating this video was an endless source of hilarity when
Sam came to visit me in hospital in France... ... "GIMLI!"

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!